Beach

I went to the beach once by myself. It was a trip. A trip to meet girls. To find some hot beach bikini girls and have fun. The party I don't remember is whether or not I was in a relationship at the time. I remember stopping at a hotel because I was tired. I remember watching boxing on HBO. It was feather weight boxing.

I'd never seen such tiny guys box before. They were dodging and hitting in a very defensive manner. Their very life depended on how well they could move. They had to punch when they had the opportunity and constantly move around. They bounced and weaved. They kept it simple, but they had flair and style that were unmatched by the heavy weights. The heavy weights just punch and punch and punch. They protect their face to keep fighting, but it comes down to who can take the most hits.

I remember not finding any girls. Just a huge amount of bicyclists that had just raced from Portland for some cause. I was still alone, surrounded by thousands of people. I rarely remember anything about moments, until way too late. Then my mind is completely vivid. Totally focused. But it is constantly lost. It is surrounded by doubt and self hate. I'm not sure that I could be anything else.

And that is my quandary. I am trying to be a feather weight, but I am a heavy weight. I hit and hit and hit. I punch and punch and punch. I take all my efforts and run them into the ground. I don't know when to quit. I just go after something until it is dead. Until I am buried in blows. Until I have so much bruising I lose all idea of direction. I unload everything I have in the beginning and find myself searching for anything at all to hold on to.

I searched up and down the coast to find a room. They were all taken. They were all filled with cyclists. I didn't plan ahead. I just went. I just showed up. I gave it everything. All my money. All my planning. All my selfishness.

She seemed so different.

But at the beach. I felt alone.

There are people everywhere. And I feel alone.

nothing extraordinary

today is a tough day. back to work, back to the way things have to be. today is just another morning that twists through the moments arriving at a time i can't believe in. today just happened to be a problem i'm dealing with over and over again. it might seem like there is a time to be new, a time to find the next. but leaving things unfinished is hardly something i do.

today is a moment that just won't leave my mind. there is a feeling of quiet somewhere echoing around my thoughts. there is a quiet depression passing itself off as solace. there is a meaning that is squeezing itself from my soul. there is a darkness raining over me.

raining over my mind and my thoughts. loudly like hail and thunder. just dark like the first rain at a new home. you look outside but your thoughts are tied up inside. your walls become stronger your roof becomes more sturdy. your floor feels dryer. your clothes feel warmer. and all the while your face becomes paler.

sometimes the smile breaks through. for a moment the words feel smooth coming out of your mouth. rain. dark wet rain. drops pelting the side of your head. drops soaking through your cheeks. your mouth feeling damp. your spit feeling thinner. your eyes shield themselves from the water that surrounds you like a spot light.

the smell overwhelms the sound. soon all the remains is the freshness from the darkness. no stale smell. no wet squishy toes. just the air in your nose as a wet freshness. the sounds reaching out from the odor. the light returning slowly, making sure all the water has gone and it is safe to warm the earth again.

the sun and the rain are at a war. they are at an in pass. they are at a moment in time that is suspended by darkness and ignited by silence. they look to each other as nemesis. the look to each other as a cure. the sun cures the rain and the rain cures the sun. the flowers find a balance. they need both the sun and the rain to breathe, live, grow.

i need both. i need the sun to warm me. to color my skin. to lighten my hair. to find a way out.
the sun makes my heart beat. it makes my lungs breathe. it makes my eyes see. it makes my muscles strong. it makes my feet walk. it makes my thoughts start.

endless links of thoughts fill my head daily. but they are jumbled. a wash of moments and ideas. of whole pieces and broken images. of the end and of the beginning. of the way things are and could be. and should be. each thought is a moment in time i'm unable to free myself from. the past is a drug i can't shake.

they ramble around with no coherence or order. they have no purpose or angle. they just float there and create movement. they are thoughts but not like anything contrived or ordered. just ideas lost in the confusion of past events. just queries never answered. some never asked. just little pieces of my life abandoned before they began.

raining inside my head. the sun is outside. making the hair seem tougher. my skin feel stronger. makes my eyes feel dryer. makes my heart feel weak. the rain and the sun fighting within my head.

when the sun wins, the thoughts clear out. ideas form. a rainbow of life drives me towards something. when the thoughts win, there is more rain.

the thoughts tear down all of the walls. the ceiling collapses. the mind caves in and outside..

and outside the tears flow, the overflowing of rain. thoughts

there is no in between with the sun and the rain. there is no compromise. only a tug of war with no end. the thoughts create nothing. the sun produces nothing. the mixture is torment. a mud of reality washing away the flowers of ideology. a moment of terror before the calm. unnecessary. unrelated. still, deep within the rain and the thoughts is a feeling that the sun will never come.

there is nothing that needs the sun more then someone who only knows the sun from the outside. the sun that warms the brow and glosses the back. the sun that drains all of the water from inside. the difficult part is switching the two. putting the rain back outside and the sun inside.